I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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