You work out of a Hotel?
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
