If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
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