maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
