There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
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