cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
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