i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
