I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
