The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
