"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Randomize