And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
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