So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Randomize
