why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
