I haven't been this sober since birth.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
