Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
