just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
