I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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