There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
