my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
