he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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