Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Randomize
