Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I need to align my fucking chakras
Randomize
