Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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