wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
bring money and cleavage
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Randomize
