Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
