I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
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I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
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I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
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