Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
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