the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
