Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Randomize
