How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
