She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
