I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
