I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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