Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
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Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
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I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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