areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
