The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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