I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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