cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
