sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
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I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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