bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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