I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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