I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize
