Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
