Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
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