I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
