kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
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