when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
The cops high fived after they tackled you
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Randomize
