Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
