Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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