i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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