Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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