Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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