How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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