the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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