So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
