I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
