So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
