While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
